Health

Soul Audit, just in time for tax season

Yay!

I consider the fact that my brain has stopped obsessing about the ex every minute of the day to be a major milestone. Seriously, I would roll out of bed and as soon as my brain fog would drop, the obsessive thoughts would creep in. I’d walk to the shower, “what is he doing right now? Is he sleeping? Is he up? Where will he go today?” I’d step out the door and walk down my stairs, “Where does he live? Is it a walk up? Does he hate his roommate? Is it a girl? Does his roommate hate him?” I’d walk to work, “Is he thinking about me? Does he care where I am? Is he working? How is he paying rent? What is he wearing?” I’d be at work, “zzzzzzzz” I would walk home from work, “This sky is the shade of his favorite color.” “Is he going out tonight?” “Does he flirt like he did when we were together?” “Are his friends so happy I’m gone?” “Does he get consistent knobbers each weekend from trashy immature girls?”

Now it’s nothing. When I think now, it’s not thinking the thoughts, it’s thinking how I don’t think them anymore. It was as if the switch got flipped and I didn’t know it. It feels like it happened over night, but it obviously didn’t. It is so weird. It’s no coincidence that this improvement in mood and brain function aligns with Spring. That first warm day, that first little baby green bud, that first walk to work where all I could smell were the cherry blossoms – my heart shook off another layer of hurt, and this I could feel.

And this is where I have to look back on some of the things I promised myself I would do to figure out who I am (or who I lost), the things I would do to improve my life, the things I would do to make myself happy, the things I would do to be kinder to myself, with the result being a more whole person with her own interests and life to offer.  I think I’ve been pretty good to myself: I’ve tried to keep up with this blog, I’ve been shooting almost every day thanks to a lovely little friend who has a fashion/lifestyle blog. I’ve begun writing about food for another friend’s incredibly awesome blog that I will probably out soon enough. I’ve been going to church every Sunday, but not the church you’re thinking of: BOOT CAMP. It’s outside around NYC and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. A handful of us gather rain or shine and trounce around the playground that is Manhattan. It is taught by a great friend of mine whose brand is all about being good to yourself and your body. She doesn’t bark and abuse you into more burpees, she encourages and applauds. At the end of it, she instructs us to use the final run as meditation and focus on something that could be holding us down or holding us back – and through that run, we have to let it go. Release that weight and not let it back in. It may take a few meditative runs to shake it fully, but it’s an emotional moment.

I feel good. I survived the winter depression, I survived the big holidays, the lame holidays, the non holidays, my birthday, weekends, weeknights. I survived all of this and I’m happy today because of the most important goal I put in front of myself: To embrace my girlfriends. To spend time with the women in my life that mean so much to me (and to not waste time on people that don’t offer anything positive to my psyche) has been the most enjoyable and enriching change to my life.

Spring ahead indeed :)

Categories: Health, Life, Love, NYC, Soul Audit | Tags: , , ,

Alli recipe that won’t make you barf: Penne Chicken Casserole

As promised, I have another Alli recipe to share that isn’t barfworthy. With commentary of course, because this thing was a little bland, but not a lot!

  • 1/2 onion, red, medium [no commentary here, a red onion is a red onion]
  • 3 small zucchinis [I may have used 4 to up my green things consumption]
  • 2 cups mushrooms, sliced [I hate button mushrooms. They are the jerks of the fungi world. I used baby bellas instead. They're much less offensive.]
  • 1 pound pasta, penne rigate, uncooked [nothing to see here]
  • 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
  • 2 cups chicken, cooked [I poached this. I just read in Martha Stewart Everyday Food (or whatever the hell that is) that when you're trying to eat lower fat and you're bored as a buttless boar with the same friggin chicken every night that you should add onions and pepper and herbs to the poaching water (or to your low fat low sodium chicken stock) to infuse it with more flavor]
  • 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
  • 26 ounces Sauce, pasta, marinara [I did not use store bought. I made my own. I do not use salt in my pasta sauce, so this could be why the assembled dish was a touch bland, so I guess I suggest using some salt. Or store bought sauce, but I'm not a fan.]
  • 1/4 cup cheddar cheese, light, shredded

Click on the photos below to bigger them!

Here’s the stuff you do:

Make the pasta sauce, if you’re me. Chop the red onion, slice zucchini and mushrooms. Set aside. Or if you’re me, you layer them all pretty like and shoot them. Cook pasta according to package directions.I cooked only until ALMOST al dente because I knew I’d be backing this thing; drain in colander. Meanwhile (back at the ranch), place a large skillet over medium heat and add the oil. Sauté the vegetables until soft, about 5 minutes.

Chop chicken into chunks (I did this while I was making the pasta sauce. I just like to have everything ready. Add to skillet with pepper and pasta sauce. Stir well. Oh hey, here is the part in the recipe on the alli website where they neglected to mention when to put the noodles in. This seemed like the appropriate time, so I stirred in the noodles. Things got a little crazy, it’s a lot of ingredients! Place in a casserole dish lightly coated with cooking spray, and sprinkle the top with cheddar cheese. Cover and refrigerate – if you want. I did so I could cook the next night for dinner.  To heat and serve: Preheat oven to 350°F. Cover casserole dish with a lid or foil and bake until heated through, about 30 minutes. This took longer than 30 minutes. I may have been impatient with the preheating situation. I hate that. Serve hot. DER.

This honking thing serves 8, so I figured a serving was just a little over 1 cup. It was hot, filling, and with a few dashes of salt and maybe some crushed red pepper flakes, it could be a lot more flavorful!

Nutritional Information
Calories 360
Calories from Fat 70
Total Fat 8 g
Saturated Fat 1.5 g
Cholesterol 30 mg
Sodium 630 mg
Total Carbohydrate 54 g
Dietary Fiber 4 g
Sugars 10 g
Protein 22 g
Vitamin A 10%
Vitamin C 30%
Calcium 8%
Iron 15%
Categories: Dieting, Food, Health, In The Kitchen | Tags: , , , ,

Do you deliver volcanoes?

I overheard one of my coworkers say into the phone “Can you deliver two volcanoes?” She described these volcano things as “so awful you have to chug it, but it really works!” I had to have it. I had to know what this horribly awful good thing was.

It was the Volcano from The Juice Press. I had maybe two gulps of it. And I am currently out of my mind.

volcano

This is the reason I am out of my mind right now

Here, this is what it is. I totally want more RIGHT NOW.

It is the Volcano and you will drink it.

 

Categories: Food, Health | Tags: , ,

Snork: Women’s Health Magazine

When I was in high school I loved reading Men’s Health. I thought it was funny and irreverent. I liked the way a non Maxim magazine communicated to men. I was jealous because every Women’s mag communicated in that same cookie cutter way: “How to get him back!” “Ask yourself: Is it me?” “Just because your best friend has bigger boobs doesn’t mean she’s better than you” “…AND THEN THEY SAW MY TAMPON STRING!!!” Yes, there was Sassy, but come on, we can all admit it now – it was trying to hard to be the anti-lady mag. No way in hell was I going to deconstruct a basketball and wear it with stirrup pants. And remember when they covered raves? Yeah.

Anyway, in college I got it into my mind that I wanted to start a women’s magazine that was going to focus on real shit like somehow managing to find silence when you’ve got two kids in a condo. Or meals that taste gourmet, but don’t include gold flecked badger butter than you can only find at Satan’s Organic. I slacked. And now there are fun sites like TheGloss.com and others that have become caricatures of themselves and print mags are dying.

This is probably part of why I started blogging a million years ago in the first place.

Well, you would think that by now ladyparts mags would have evolved to cut the teehee speak and add in more of what I like about the way dudes talk to each other. NOT SO. And to double down on the NOT SO a lot of women’s mag have an “Ask The Guy” section. Because, you know, we can’t trust another woman’s opinion, a guy will tell it to us straight. I discovered such a section when I took one of the free magazines that show up at work home with me. And since I wake up at 8AM on the weekends now, I read through it. Are you ready for this? I don’t think you’re ready for this. Ok – you asked for it.

From Women’s Health “Ask The Guy Next Door” [I wish you could see my rage eyes while I type that]

“My boyfriend talks about himself compulsively.[TRANSLATION: I am dating a douchebag, and when we started dating, I was turned on by his burly confidence and girthy wang] How can I encourage him to ask me more questions?” -[some timid hot girl with self esteem issues BECAUSE SHE KEEPS DATING SELF ABSORBED DOUCHEBAGS.]

THE ANSWER:

“Stop acting so interested. Seriously. A monologue is nothing without an audience…Tune him out or don’t respond when he finally stops talking…He’ll be looking for a way to fill the silence, which is when you might [MIGHT] casually remind him that, oh yeah, you’ve got a thing or two worth talking about as well.” – Matt Bean, the idiot neighbor.

Matt, I’m sure you’re a real gem in real life, but you basically just gave poor Dyan from Illinois the same advice that doesn’t work for herpes: ignore it and it will go away. And Dr.Ruth, feel free to chime in here, but isn’t straight communication the way? Since when is opting for NO COMMUNICATION better than just addressing it like adults? Oh…wait… are we still treating mean like fragile flowers that can’t handle our powerful crazy caveman adult recognition of an issue that needs solving?

This advice says to me “you don’t want to lose your man, right? Then don’t stop him while he’s blathering on about his pecs and conference room theatrics or he might start looking outside the relationship. No no, gently begin ignoring his stories, he will begin to wonder if you like him anymore and thus begin reacting like a scolded puppy. He may start looking outside the relationship because of neglect, but girl, won’t you feel better that it wasn’t because you were a confrontational bitch?”

Dyan, if you’re reading this because you’re the only person who spells it that way, thus you are the only one who received a Google Alert, my advice to you is to stop dating self centered douchebags. My stepmom taught me, and it has proven accurate, that everyone has their basic core already programmed. The other pieces that surround the core are malleable, can grow and change, but that core chunk of behavior – that shit will never change. Either accept it and keep him, or accept it and look for someone else.

Sheesh.

Categories: Bitching, dating, Health, Love | Tags: , , , ,

Recipe: Bland enough for you?

Imagine, if you will, a cotton ball. Now imagine that cotton ball has been pureed with the absence of color and a dash of flavor eraser. What you’re eating is this: Tuscan White Bean Soup.

Here are the main characters:

ingredients for tuscan white bean soup

We are so boring, us ingredients

  • 2 teaspoons garlic, minced
  • 1 cup onion, white, chopped (I didn’t have a white onion, I only had red, so maybe this is my fault. MAYBE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!)
  • 1/2 cup celery, fresh, diced (ah gad, I hate celery. I really do. I hate it raw with its gum slicing pubes. I hate the smell of it cooked. And I hate it in salad. I HATE YOU CELERY!)
  • 1 cup water (oh yeah, this will spice it up for sure!)
  • 1 cup low fat chicken broth, canned
  • 1/2 cup bell pepper, green, chopped (another one of those veggies I love to hate. cooked it smells of dirty belllybutton filled with baby poop. Raw, it’s just not as good as a red pepper)
  • 2 cups beans, cannellini, white, unsalted, canned (I like how these have to be unsalted, lest the recipe actually TASTE like something)
  • 1/2 teaspoon rosemary, dried (ooo! this will save this soup!)
  • 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
  • 2 tomatoes, medium (seems out of place, but whatever)

So, uh, this is what you do:

Preparation
  • Generously spray a large, non-stick skillet with cooking spray and heat over medium-high heat. Nevermind that everyone you purchase a non stick skillet from warns you not to use cooking spray.
  • Sauté the garlic, onion and celery until golden, about 3 minutes. This smelled good. I was tricked!

trickery!

  •  Add the water, chicken broth, green pepper, beans (drained & rinsed), rosemary and black pepper. (this smelled good too)

mleh

  •  Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to simmer and cook until the vegetables are tender, about 8 minutes.
  • Puree half the soup in a blender. Pour pureed soup back in and stir well. Yeah, I did this. It looked about as good as it tasted:

so vibrant!

It is suggest that you serve hot (I can’t IMAGINE this cold) with diced tomatoes on top.

I recommend that you serve it in the garbage with a firm twist tie on top.

In case you want to try it with your own flavor (so as not to waste it, I poured Srichacha all over this bitch), here are the nutritionals:

Nutritional Information (serves 4!)
Calories 150
Calories from Fat 15
Total Fat 2 g
Saturated Fat 0 g
Cholesterol 5 mg
Sodium 150 mg
Total Carbohydrate 25 g
Dietary Fiber 7 g
Sugars 5 g
Protein 9 g
Vitamin A 15%
Vitamin C 45%
Calcium 6%
Iron 10%
Categories: Dieting, Food, Health, In The Kitchen | Tags: , ,

Nothing but blue skies

Oh hello there my little friends! How are you on this beautiful Saturday? I went to bed around 9:30PM last night with a nose full of congested crap. I tried to knock my ass out with some NyQuil sinus meds, but sleep was pretty elusive as it has been this week. At some point during the Irish version of Shameless, I fell asleep. When I woke up the sun was just beginning to tickle Chelsea. I sniffed one snork. And then suddenly…AIR! Holy CRAP I could breathe.

I don’t know if you have ever been knocked down by a severe cold before, but man that reawakening is BLISSFUL. I practically skipped around Chelsea as I donated pans and pots (and a cheese grater) to the Salvation Army, walked into and promptly out of The Gap (want fug this spring? Fall into The Gap), popped into Second Time Around and danced in and out of clothes that I actually bought (thank you willpower and sticking to my diet!!), and skeedaddled around Westside Market. The usual amount of street-livers said they were glad to see me (I even got a “sugar baby”) – and one fellow looked at me and said “I see you.” It’s hard to argue with facts.

Now that I’m feeling healthy again, I feel a little better in my head again, too. Just like when you’re a wine soaked waistoid, it’s hard to react to normal stressors and emotions when you’re compromised by buckets of boogers. I feel good.

Part of why I feel good is that I’m seeing progress in the rebuilding of my demolished self esteem. I’ve been working really hard at not criticizing myself in the mirror. I’ve started embracing, not making excuses for my body. A while ago my friend Caitlin, a hot little ticket herself, wrote 2 great posts. One was about her attitude, her being A Beyonce. I wasn’t ready for it. I was all down on myself feeling shitty, feeling fug – and you know when you feel that way you snark at others’ confidence. I thought to myself, “self, no way does someone feel that way honestly.” Read it. It’s one of the most fun, glittery, golden smack-in-the-face-so-your-grandkids-feel-it, change-your-damn-attitude, you-make-you posts ever. I love it. I’m ready for it now.

The other is one that terrifies and excites me. It’s about having fun with and being honest with yourself and the people you’re searching for in… INTERNET DATING. My favorite part is:

Step 3: Body Shots: …  I have friends with dope bodies who don’t post anything but face shots on OkCupid. This isn’t just bad for them; it’s bad for everyone! One of the fallacies of online dating is that everyone who does it is a liar and will show up to the date looking nothing like their profile pic. Everyone is deserving of love, so be honest – put your booty on there! It’s cliche, but whoever you’re going to end up with is going to love your body – they sort of have to for everything to work as it should.

Whoever you’re going to end up with is going to love your body. I have been repeating that to myself since I read her post. It’s amazing how much more confident I already feel now that I’m not living with someone who made me hate my body with his silence every single day. Neglect made me just hide more in food and dumpy clothes. Since the end I only have myself to blame for making me feel disgusting, so I’ve been a lot nicer to me. And part of that is repeating the phrase above and just embracing what I look like. I’m round, ok? I am cute. I am cute and round and damn it, that means I’m not going to hide my can. What you see is what you get – and I’m working on making even THAT better every day. Do this for yourselves ladies (and gents) – it’s so fucking logical its easy to miss.

And thank you Caitlin – I’ll bet you had no idea how much you’ve been inspiring me to be kinder to myself and to channel my inner sassafras.

 

Categories: dating, Health, Life, Soul Audit | Tags: , , , , , ,

You can all eat quiche!


This quiche makes your pee smell.

How did we get here?

Here’s what happened – I wanted to make a breakfast ahead of time that would keep for the whole week and feed my constantly-running(hahahhha)-late ass every day. Presenting: Alli delight, Asparagus Rice Quiche.  I know, you’re thinking “Rice? who the whatty?” I KNOW. But guess what, brown rice is nice and filling, and it makes this quiche feel like a solid, heavy meal when it really isn’t!

Here’s the crew you need to invite to your quiche quagmire:

Ingredients

  • 2 cups rice, brown, cooked (I used basmati rice, which blorped up HUGELY. If you use basmati, go 1 cup, your crusticles will be more crusty)
  • 1 tablespoon Parmesan cheese, fat free (The people at Whole Foods laughed at me. I don’t think this exists. And guess what, Parm is pretty light on its own, so just don’t use more than Dr. Alli McPoopyerpants says, ok?)
  • 1/4 cup egg whites
  • 2 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil
  • 1/2 cup onions, chopped
  • 1 1/4 cups fresh asparagus, chopped (I suggest going over the allotted amount. It’s a veggie! You need it! And your pee will smell fun!)
  • 1 cup cheese, Swiss, low fat, shredded (Another cheese whose slightly more slender counterpart is hard to find. Especially in shredded form. I found mine at Gristedes in slices. I just slivered it and crumbled it to make pretend.)
  • 3 eggs, medium (I used two. Again, eggs are kind of fatty and I kind of don’t want to leave a buttkiss in my seat)
  • 1 1/2 cups milk, fat-free
  • 1/4 cup dill weed sprigs, fresh, chopped (dillhole)
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/8 teaspoon black pepper

The line up


Preparation
Preheat oven to 425°. Coat a pie dish with cooking spray.
Mix rice with Parmesan, egg whites and 1 teaspoon olive oil. Press into pie shell to form a crust.(I used a square pan, no pie pans in this house!)  Place in oven and bake for 15 minutes.
Heat remaining olive oil in a skillet to medium heat. Add onions and asparagus; sauté for 3 to 4 minutes.
Spread cheese into bottom of baked rice crust. Top with asparagus mix.
Beat eggs with milk, dill, salt and pepper. Pour into pie shell. (now, this may have been because of my RICE EXPLOSION, but I had to be REALLY careful with the pouring. I poured, then waited, repeat. Then I had to scoot the dill around with my fingers so it wouldn’t clump in one spot.)

Reduce heat to 350°. Bake for 45 to 50 minutes until tester inserted in center comes up clean. (THEN EAT THAT BITCH) 

I cut it into serving (serves 6), froze some, fridged some. Breakfast all week!

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And here’s all the nutritional fun you’ll need to know as you smirk while eating a delicious quiche while other dieters eat rice cakes with bacon breath on them:

Nutritional Information
Calories 190
Calories from Fat 50
Total Fat 5 g
Saturated Fat 1.5 g
Cholesterol 100 mg
Sodium 240 mg
Total Carbohydrate 21 g
Dietary Fiber 2 g
Sugars 5 g
Protein 14 g
Vitamin A 10%
Vitamin C 4%
Calcium 30%
Iron 8%
Categories: Chowing Down, Dieting, Food, Health, In The Kitchen | Tags: , , ,

Alli Recipe Thumbs up: Orzo With Meat Sauce and Feta

You may remember this piece of work. Well, do not be daunted, fellow fatty, on your path through Alli, because plenty of recipes are quite delicious. When I find a delicious one, I share with you because even if you aren’t taking an FDA approved diet pill that could potentially dress your drawers, the recipes are quite nice for regular style low fat eating without the threat of a belowdecks oil storm. AND, if you are on Alli, this one is really good for entertaining. It makes a … shit load. AND it tastes like regular people food. Ready?

Oh, before I tell you — the recipe calls for feta, but I cut that out.  Why? Because I like to play this game with Alli recipes. If it has a certain amount of fat considered to already be low, I like to see how low I can go. Now, let’s go:

Ingredients

  • 1 onion, yellow Yay, I get to use my Cuisinart mini chopper that screams like a goat being skinned.
  • 3 garlic cloves If I could eat cloves of garlic without being a social pariah I would
  • 10 ounces pasta, orzo, enrich, dry I’m not sure who wrote these ingredients.
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil, extra virgin I went a little light on this, too. Friggin 1 T of olive oil has 14g of fat! Terrifying.
  • 6 ounces beef, sirloin, ground, extra lean From one of them there anorexic bovines
  • 1/4 teaspoon oregano, dried
  • 1/4 teaspoon thyme, ground
  • 1/4 teaspoon dried mint I used fresh mint, not because I’m like that, but because I forgot what I was doing and grabbed fresh. Wouldn’t know the difference.
  • 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
  • 1/8 teaspoon cinnamon, ground THIS IS THE BEST PART. So good I had to use all caps. Cinnamon and meat is so yum.
  • 2 cups crushed, canned tomatoes
  • 1 cup tomato sauce, no added salt
  • 2 ounces feta cheese, low-fat  Bite me feta,  I don’t need you!

Preparation
Peel onion and garlic; chop onion and mince garlic. Set aside (or hide it from yourself for fun!)

Bring a large covered saucepan of water to boil over high heat. (or uncover it, who cares!)

Heat oil in a large, heavy skillet over medium-high heat. Add onions and garlic, and saute´ for 3 to 5 minutes, or until onions are tender and slightly browned. Greatest smell on earth.

Crumble (gross word)  the ground meat and cook, stirring, for 2 to 3 minutes, or until it is no longer pink, adding a tablespoon of water if the pan gets too dry. (I didn’t have to add water because my meat was awesome I guess)

Stir in the oregano, thyme, mint, pepper and cinnamon; cook, stirring constantly, for 30 seconds.

Stir in the crushed tomatoes and tomato sauce and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 10 minutes to allow flavors to blend. (I simmered for longer because I forgot to cook the orzo. I think this was a good choice. I like me tomato sauce to cook down anyway. Sometimes my subconscious does the cooking for me)

While sauce is simmering, add the pasta to the boiling water and prepare according to package directions until al dente; drain and transfer to a warmed serving bowl.

To serve, spoon the meat sauce over the pasta and sprinkle it with feta cheese. (screw the feta!) 

I separated the servings into so many containers, fridged a bunch and froze a bunch. It fed me at lunch and dinner for the week. It unfroze really well, too. REALLY tasty.

I usually shoot every step of my cooking, but I must have been starving after a marathon cooking session because I only got the following:

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The health scrizz:

Nutritional Information
Calories 440
Calories from Fat 80
Total Fat 8 g
Saturated Fat 2.5 g
Cholesterol 30 mg
Sodium 390 mg
Total Carbohydrate 71 g
Dietary Fiber 6 g
Sugars 4 g
Protein 24 g
Vitamin A 35%
Vitamin C 40%
Calcium 10%
Iron 30%
Categories: Dieting, Food, Health, In The Kitchen | Tags: , , , , ,

What’s green and yellow and tastes like forest?

Toward the end of the day today I was exhausted, lead headed, and starving. I was mad. Why was I on this stupid diet when all I wanted to do was go home, get into cozy clothes, and order something ridiculous with a bottle of wine. I mean, a person should be allowed to do whatever the fart they want.

Leafy cheese pile

THAT is why I’m on this diet. I have NO self control. Instead of bemoaning my cheeseless, pizzaless, french fryles, hamburgerless existence, I sucked it up, walking home FREEZING in my fishnets, and stopped at Westside Market where I nabbed a bundle of kale, and three Lean Cuisines, one being this nuclear yellow mac n cheese.

I’m full, not bloaty, and food shame is no where to be found. Food shame is the worst. It’s a shitty cycle. Eating to feel comforted, then the internal verbal abuse, the feeling like a loafy boob, beating myself up about wasting money, ingesting pointless fat and calories, and then just being miserable.

Cheese of this color is the color of control, my friends.  So, see, I KIND of satisfied a cheesey craving (it tasted of wet paper, thus Srichacha was applied profusely) and still stayed within the confines of Alli. There you have it: Kale and Lean Cuisine Mac n Cheese. It’s not pizza, but… say it with me… it won’t make you shit your pants.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make like a loafy boob and absorb at least 10 episodes of some sort of British programming on Netflix.

Categories: Chowing Down, Health, In The Kitchen, Photography | Tags: , , ,

She who self diagnoses has a fool for a doctor

Ever since I started eating more healthily & abstaining from alcohol I am convinced I have adult ADHD.

The only thing laughable about that statement is “adult”

Categories: Health | Tags:

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